The Man Cold


The painful whimpering.

The agonizing moans.

The dramatic look in his big, sad eyes.

This isn’t just any cold.

This is a Man Cold.

Don’t let the lack of a medical term fool you, this is a serious and debilitating, life-threatening disease that turns fatal for any man not properly cared for.

Sure, medical journals everywhere argue there’s no evidence to back up that a man’s cold is any different from a woman’s cold. But ask yourself this:

How is it possible for a woman with a cold to go about her day, working, running errands and taking care of everyone ….. while a man is CLEARLY incapacitated, rendered useless, with only enough strength to eat, grumble, and drool on his own shoulder?

Okay, we all know men become ginormous babies when they’re sick. Now that the two of you are living together there is no escaping the reality of the situation … He’s sick, and you’re Mom.

At first it’s a little fun to play nurse. We get to use those nurturing instincts we can’t help, we have a good excuse to watch movies and let’s be honest, we like it when they’re weak.

The appeal wears off in a hurry though when your apartment transforms into a muggy dungeon, with all the shades drawn and the smell of sick in the air.

You must quickly learn how to handle this disease.

Humor him a little and let him know you care, but don’t let him milk it too long.

It’s just like when a toddler falls down. If you feed into it and act concerned it’ll freak out and start screaming. Use the same psychology with your grown up boyfriend.

Just keep clapping your hands at him and saying “You’re okaayyyyy”, “You’re sooo brrraaaave!”

When he becomes the beanie, slippers, and old college sweatpants clad center piece of your living room, wrapped in a giant duvet you sleep with too… just let it happen.  But no matter how many times he asks you, don’t ever, EVER say his forehead feels warm. It’ll confirm to him that he is dying.

So will WebMD so keep a computer out of his reach.

Should you find him laying in bed with his head sandwiched between his pillow and yours… don’t awaken the beast… but do spray some disinfectant on him and snap a picture while he’s in that state. Because it’s funny.

If he asks you to hand him the remote… when it’s sitting on his stomach. Don’t do it. Just don’t.

During one of the many coughing spells he’s likely to have, he’ll probably keep glancing at you to make sure you’re watching and giving you a look that says “are you seeing this? Look at how sick I am!”

Don’t buy into it. Change the subject, he’ll eventually get bored of coughing and walk away.

My boyfriend gained enough strength to stand at one point and began this epic coughing routine, bent over with his hand on his knees, for theatrics.

I looked up right as a giant chunk of flem flew out of his mouth and on to the carpet in front of me.

My jaw dropped and he looked at me like a deer in headlights… but more afraid. Then yelled “I’ll clean it up!” and ran to the bathroom to get a tissue.

There’s still a crunchy spot on the carpet I’m horrified by. I actually have nightmares about stepping on it bare foot. Don’t even get me started on the wall-sneeze. I need to work that one out with a licensed professional.

Desperation set in and I turned to an incase-of-emergency supply of Amoxicillin my dad picked up at la farmacia on his last Mexico adventure.

I wouldn’t take them but my boyfriend was “inches from death” and refusing to go to a doctor so he started popping the pills like they were candy. Why not? It’s medicine! What could go wrong here?

Well… lots of stuff when you’re taking drugs from Mexico and you can’t read the label. His condition worsened. But my medical opinion was to tell him to keep taking them. These things take time to soak in or something?

Yeah, I was wrong.

We learned you do take Amoxicillin if you’re looking to treat pneumonia; bronchitis, infections of the ears, nose, throat, urinary tract, or even some good old gonorrhea. But Do Not Take for colds, flu, and other viral infections, such as the man cold.

I felt like the bad mom in The Sixth Sense who was secretly poisoning her kid.

Only Actual Cures for a Man Cold:
Some pricey chicken noodle soup from your neighborhood Jewish deli.
A few of his favorite movies; James Bond, Fast and Furious, Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants … wait what??

And even if it makes you sick, a marathon of Two and a Half Men.

It’s a thankless job, but at least you’ll always have that gross picture of him when it comes time for revenge, or at least a good blackmail!