The Perfect Hostess


What could be more exciting than finding out someone has picked your place to stay at while they’re in town?


Who wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to allow that friend who totally lost touch with you until they remembered you live in Los Angeles take over your living room?

When an old coworker of my boyfriend’s told him he was coming into town for the weekend, I happily offered up our place for him to stay. That’s because the friend didn’t give us any other options.

Since it went so well, here are a few tips on how to be the perfect hostess so things run smoothly…

  • The perfect hostess always makes sure the place is flawlessly clean!

Vacuum the carpet, mop the floors and shine up the powder room!
If your guest calls before you’ve finished your housework, just don’t answer the phone. First impressions are everything.
40-some minutes later I could happily call my guest back and let him up.

  • The perfect hostess always makes sure their guest feels welcome. Offer them a refreshing drink and begin a polite conversation about how their trip was.

If this is a first introduction, like in my case, show genuine interest in getting to know them.

As my guest polished off about 11 bottles of beer in half an hour, I learned fun things like how he booked this plane ticket while he was blacked-out drunk and texting some chick, why every sports team in Boston is better than the rest of the world and how many times he’d been arrested for public drunkeness in the past year.

Side note: Don’t assume that an 18 pack will be enough for your guest to feel welcomed and refreshed.

If he’s 6’4, 250 lbs and hates sobriety, it won’t be. And that’s just bad planning on your part.

  • The perfect hostess is very adaptable.

If a second guest decides to come over while your boyfriend is still at work, be happy to have him. Sure he may be high as a kite and you find it weird that he’s not wearing any underwear with his sagging jeans, but the more the merrier!

  • The perfect hostess always prepares something so her guests won’t go hungry.

Maybe whip up some cucumber sandwiches, deviled eggs… or two extra large Costco frozen pizzas. I took the fact that they polished off, the two pizzas, rest of the beer, bag of chips, jar of peanut butter and a loaf of bread as a sign I was doing an amazing job of making everyone feel at home!

  • The perfect hostess understands the importance of male bonding time.

When your boyfriend returns from the office, excuse yourself to work out or run errands so that the old friends can catch up and do man things.

If when you come home you find empty bottles everywhere, a big, drunk, half-naked, white man in your living room wearing one of your way-too-small towels and leaning over the coffee table with a rolled up dollar bill while your boyfriend mouths “I am so sorry” and “I’ll explain” from across the room… don’t fret!

Towels can be washed, illegal drug residue can be Windexed off your glass table and your coworker who came over to see your new place for the first time will ……probably understand.

Remember what a gracious, elegant, welcoming hostess you ar—
Oh God.
Is no-underwear guy sitting on the WHITE COUCH?!
That is BARE MAN ASS CHEEK on my WHITE furniture!!
You’ve got to be f*cking kidding me! What kind of sick bastard does that sort of thing?!
Eh eh em…

  • The perfect hostess never looses her cool. Instead she gets resourceful.

Suggest everyone gets out of the house! Separately. Perhaps a Girl’s night / Guy’s night out.

On girl’s night enjoy a lovely evening of catching up with friends over a martini or glass of wine then get to bed at a reasonable hour.

On guy’s night…. well you probably don’t want to know……. but should your phone ring at 3am with the number of big, drunk Guest #1 displaying, consider the following when debating whether or not to answer:
1.) They’ve left their keys and simply need you to unlock the door.
2.) They’re so drunk they can’t remember how to get home so you need to give the cab driver directions
or 3.) Everyone is in jail.
None of these were the case.

He simply mistook my number for the Hooter’s waitress he’d gotten earlier that evening when he was trying to invite her over.

Seconds after realizing what the miscommunication was and explaining who he had actually called (so please stop calling me Your Sexy Hooters Girl), the heard came busting through the door, flipping on the lights, blinding me, then screaming, laughing, knocking things over and acting like I just played the best prank ever somehow.

  • The perfect hostess never actually kicks her guest out.

She just puts his packed suitcase near the front door and tells him there’s no more food, toilet paper, running water or television left.

When that lady friend he originally came out to see decided against picking him up, we could have given him a ride, but didn’t.

When he explained the car rental place needed a credit card, which was something he no longer owned due to some past financial troubles, and asked to borrow my boyfriend’s, it was a no.

When he mentioned that even if he did have a credit card he wouldn’t have been able to drive himself since his license had been suspended in lieu of recent DUI’s that prevented him from driving in several states including California… again, it was a negative.

Instead, I turned to a little proverb I once heard…… something about giving a man a fish, feeding him for a day and teaching a man to fish, feeding him for a lifetime….. and did him a much bigger favor than any of that would have been.

I printed him out a copy of the Los Angeles bus schedule and directed him to the corner.

Such a shame he couldn’t stay longer!

Remember to take inventory so you can prepare for future guests…

Refrigerator full of beer- $45.

Month’s worth of groceries- $225.

Bill at Hooter’s and following bars- $300(+)

A lesson in the public transportation system and knowing you’ll finally get your beautiful apartment to yourself again– priceless!

The perfect hostess then changes their phone numbers, email addresses, deletes their Facebooks and moves.

They can’t stay if they can’t find you.